After finishing my post from last week, I got it stuck in my head that I should maybe follow up with some sort of post about scary movies. But as I called my own bluff in that post by claiming that I’m not much of a horror movies aficionado, well…that was a dumb thing to do. But the reality is that I’m not, so I don’t even know what I’m complaining about. And even if I had tried to do a post about scary movies, I’d really only have to talk about one. The f***ing scariest movie I’ve ever seen:
(P. S. There are spider images ahead, which I can’t even believe I included. Oh, the nightmares I’ll be having…)
Alright, now before you cry foul with your OMGs, LOLs, and WTFs, and go on about how lame this movie is, and how lame spiders are, and how lame I am, just shut the hell up for one thing. Also, let me drill this into your narrow minds – the events that take place in Arachnophobia could really happen.
Oh yeah…you just think about THAT s*** for a minute…
I’ll try to keep this low on spoilers, but here’s a quick rundown of the movie for those unchristened. It opens with a new and deadly species of spider being discovered by an expedition team in South America. The single spider found is thought to be unable to reproduce, but…it’s not the only one of its kind. One of the I’ll-mate-with-anything, new, and deadly spiders manages to hitch a ride home to the United States. Meanwhile, a spry, citified doctor played by Jeff Daniels has moved his family, the Jennings, from the bright lights of San Francisco to the idyllic, small town of Canaima, California, where he intends to take over a practice run by a retiree physician. Through the magic of movie plots, that crazy killer of an eight-legged fiend ends up in this same small town, where it sets up shop for good and can choose from any number of young, nubile house spiders with which to mate. As elderly folks in the town mysteriously start dying from what’s chalked up to heart attacks and such, the spiders start to outnumber the people, somebody calls in John Goodman, and hilarity ensues.
So okay, you’ve got your typical monster movie plot, except that the monster is played by hundreds of large, LIVE spiders. Seriously. Most of the spiders that you see in the in the movie are real, and they are big. Harmless yes, because, y’know, it probably wouldn’t be much fun to make a movie with hundreds of loose poisonous spiders. But still, you’ve got hundreds of big, spindly spiders crawling about, on things and on people, just makin’ a movie.
You can’t see it, but my hands are so shaking right now at the thought.
Now onto the part about how Arachnophobia could really happen.
One of the more unpleasant things we’ve discovered about our backyard is that spiders love it. They especially love this one section of lawn that sits against our neighbor’s tall, white fence. When you mow that portion of the yard or do anything rustle the grasses there, hundreds of little, black spiders start crawling up the fence. The first time happened, I froze in shock. After making a pass with the mower, the bottom third of the fence was quickly and completely darkened by the little buggers. Now I know to expect it, but that first time was absolutely horrifying. Okay, so maybe the guys in our yard are a tenth of the size of the spiders used in Arachnophobia, but we all know that smaller isn’t always better when it comes to arachnids. The point is, groups of insects and arachnids happen in real life. Large, unexpected, and uncontrollable masses of insects and arachnids. Just look at ants, locusts, monarch butterflies, and cicadas. REAL. LIFE. If those little yard spiders somehow found their way into our house, and I’m sure they could if they wanted to, then we’d have to move. Except…
Did you know that scientists recently discovered 400 new species of animal and plant life in the Amazon? And that doesn’t even include insects and invertebrates. Christ, I can only imagine how many new creepy-crawlies are just waiting in the wings for their photo-ops (followed quickly by that “hmmm, you seem tasty” look). Oh and by the way, where did Arachnophobia’s spider come from?? South America. And where’s the f***ing Amazon?? In f***ing South America. Who’s to say that some big ol’ venomous spider we know nothing about could end up coming back to the U. S. among a shipment of tropical fruit that ends up in your small town grocery store because it’s trying to compete with the fancy produce section at the Whole Foods down the road. (And you can’t shop at Whole Food because c’mon, those prices, are you outta your damn mind??) You grab a bunch of that special fruit thinking you’re so healthy and trendy and take it back to the house with that spider in tow. Bam! DEAD FAMILY. And now that spider has free range, and it’s only a matter of time before it takes a wife or seventeen and makes a mutant brood of thousands. That’s real life, people.
Now I’ve run out of points to make because I’ve freaked myself out way too much to even think about typing more about spiders. Arachnophobia is simply the scariest movie I can think of. I won’t be watching it this Halloween. Just the fact that I live in a small town where spiders are prevalent makes this movie hit much too close to home now. Maybe you’ll see or have seen the movie and can only laugh at my fear. Maybe you won’t have trouble sleeping tonight because you won’t be dreaming about that spider you’re sure you saw in the kitchen the other day, but then it disappeared, and you’ve no idea where it went except that you’re sure it’ll be back with g*ddamn reinforcements. That’s all well and good. You have a nice time with your sleeping and laughing…meanwhile, I’m going to keep checking the shower.