As gamers we visit an awful lot of fictional lands and far away places. Some of these places are pleasant, fascinating and downright awesome. Others, not so much. Everyone has been to those in-game locations that just give you the heebie-jeebies. The places that you know you would probably die at or at least be permanently scarred from visiting. In this article I plan to share with you a handful of the places that you will never find me planning a vacation to since I value my life and sanity.
Columbia (Bioshock Infinite):
Now I’m all for floating cities and beautiful blue skies but the problem I have with Columbia, and the reason I would never want to go there, is the intense racism and religious intolerance. Someone like me, an atheist who appreciates racial equality, would be stoned to death pretty quickly. I may be able to escape into Daisy Fitzroy’s revolution against Comstock but even then my chances of making it out alive would not be good. Columbia may be beautiful on the outside, but at its heart it is ugly and diseased. I just couldn’t tolerate being in a place like that for a relaxing getaway, you know?
The USG Ishimura/Titan Station/Tau Volantis (Dead Space Series):
All three of these locations from the Dead Space universe get a big fat NOPE when I think about video game vacations. Not only is the USG Ishimura a dark and desolate space craft stranded out in the middle of nowhere, it’s chuck full of Necromorphs who want to stab me to death and eat my face off. Titan Station seemed like a decent place before all the Unitology nonsense but now it’s also full of Necromorphs who want me dead. Tau Volantis is not just a huge, bland, cold planet it’s… you guessed it… Full of Necromorphs who want to slice me open and decapitate me – not necessarily in that order. I will not be traveling to these locations any time soon, or at all ever.
Raccoon City (Resident Evil):
Much like most places plagued by zombies, Raccoon City is not the ideal destination for a getaway. I suppose you’d probably save money on things like parking, hotel costs and dining out but the price of having to run for your life from flesh-eating zombies is way greater. On top of all that, the city gets bombed and destroyed at one point so even if you were to survive the zombies you’d be decimated by bombs. I’d say that alternatively I could head to the Island Resort on Banoi (Dead Island) because at least it is sunny and warm but the blood stained beaches are a big turn off. I’ll just stick to avoiding zombie infested areas when planning my retreats.
Wonderland (American McGee’s Alice/Madness Returns):
Even if Alice somehow offered to let me into Wonderland, I would refuse it outright. Sorry Alice, I love you and all and I know you want some friends but until you fix that place up I’m staying out of it. Don’t get me wrong, Wonderland can be absolutely gorgeous at times, even charming, but most of the time it’s a heinous hell hole of terrible creatures and oozing black goo. I’d be afraid of losing my sanity or my life. Or both. It’s definitely not the kind of place I’d like to go visiting, no matter how much I appreciate the setting.
The City (Thief):
The City is rife with uprisings and disease as well as drab weather and dead bodies in the streets. I can’t think of a reason why anyone would want to visit this place. Maybe for the architecture? Much like Dunwall (Dishonored), The City lacks vacation potential due to its visceral nature and high chance of being killed by one thing or another. The disease is mostly what throws me off, no one wants to go on vacation and come back with some kind of plague that will make you scratch you eyes out before you die. I’ll stick with something simple like the possibility of food poisoning from bad fish and steer clear of oppressive, plague filled cities for future vacations.
Sera (Gears of War series):
Sera looks like one of those places that was probably pretty pleasant at one point. Clear skies, nice shorelines, the works. After E-Day the whole place went to hell and back and now it’s pretty high on my NOPE list as far as traveling goes. Picture this: You find yourself in a nice grassy area with a picknick basket then a Ticker pops out and BAM you’re dead. Maybe you’d like to get some sun on the beach, so you lay down with a blanket and close your eyes until a Corpser comes out of the ground and murders you real bad. The death scenarios are endless, making Sera a no-vacation-zone for me.
What are some of the fictitious video game locations that you would not want to visit? Those places that you see and immediately think “Nope, not gonna happen”? Let’s hear it!
For added fun, keep an eye on my personal blog this upcoming week for this article’s sister piece that will be all about the fictitious video game lands I actually would want to visit.